CHAPTER 7 - REGAINING LOST CONFIDENCE

 After a few months of being weighed down by sorrow, I realized I had to find my way back somehow. I was also not sure if I would be immobile and be a burden on my children.

As the first step towards restarting progress, I began visiting a physical therapist. I needed to strengthen my calf muscles to start walking. I was really driven, so I worked hard and, through a lot of pain and persistent effort, I managed to start walking.

My life has always been busy and productive, be it work, music, playing veena, or cooking. With my current state, my mind was now constantly wandering with unwanted thoughts and I needed to keep engaged for sanity.


I found an opportunity to get involved in an NGO. It was an educational opportunity. There was only one issue: commuting. Having been away from driving for a while now, it took a lot of courage to get back behind the wheel, especially to readjust to left-hand driving. Somehow, I was able to hold the steering wheel with my impacted right hand. With that, I became a very patient driver with the only goal of reaching my destination safely. Having no pressure and no time-bound targets to be met, I was able to ease back into a routine at my own pace, which played a crucial role in my physical and emotional recovery. It was a pleasure to restart work despite minimal monetary expectations.

I was exposed to a new world of education. Rural area children were intelligent and interested in learning. This new awareness was refreshing to me, and I started contributing wholeheartedly.


As I navigated through the major events and faced unforeseen changes in my recent past, my sister, who lives in the US, had another plan for me. She reached out a little while after I settled into my new reality, and suggested I visit her. She was convinced that some time away from my familiar surroundings and haunting thoughts, would be a much needed respite. A little time away would be healing and therapeutic in my journey. At first, I did not think it was the right thing to do but after putting further thought and conferring with my children, younger sister and mom, I finally decided to take this step. My near and dear ones were happy for me to go along with this idea and with that my sister and a dear cousin laid an extensive plan for me.

My last visit to the US had been a family trip nearly seven years earlier. Back then, I performed veena concerts and indulged in shopping, sightseeing and lots of eating. This time, I had no enthusiasm, no confidence and wondered if I could even manage travelling alone. My children were a little tense and were not sure either. My sister ensured that assistance from the airlines was set up for my travel needs. For the first time in almost three years, I wanted to prove to myself that I could still be self reliant and decided not to take any assistance. I reached the US. My trip started in Chicago with my cousin. We walked all over downtown, I was amazed at my ability to be so active. After what felt like ages, I finally started sleeping to my heart’s content. My sister came to us in Chicago, and after a few days of non-stop chatter, we travelled back to her house in Austin, Texas. 

There, I started going for long walks every day. I attended my niece’s graduation ceremony and was amazed to see Texas A&M University. My sister dared to take me to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. I was able to walk without complaining about leg pain. We enjoyed the trip, and we spoke about our childhood days. My sister had proved her point, and it was indeed a healing therapy, more than just a trip. I enjoyed every moment of my stay in the US.

This experience gave me hope that recovery was still within reach, even after so many setbacks. I returned home with a renewed determination—I still had a long way to go in relearning and rebuilding my motor skills.

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