Chapter 3 COMPROMISE

 During my stay at my mom’s house, my condition was on a path to recovery. Since my home is not far from my mother’s, I took the opportunity to make a brief visit and check if I could still play on the veena. It was certainly not at my former capability, but I was quite happy that I could still play.

One busy morning, as my mother was busy with the usual morning chores, I wanted to be of some help to her. So I pleaded with her to offload some work, and she let me make a rice dish that involved mixing cooked rice with vegetable gravy. I just could not mix it. This was shocking to me as I presumed I knew how to do this simple task.  oh!!!! My fingers and my wrist just didn't move like I wanted. The next day, I tried to make a dough out of wheat flour, and this also turned out to be an ordeal. I realized that as my verbal skills and memory improved, my motor skills were deteriorating. It dawned on me that the memory issue was just a part of the problem. There were a lot more problems to deal with. It did not take much time for me to establish that my right hand and my right leg were working at a mere 20-25% efficiency!!

Over the next couple of weeks, I recovered from my hospital fatigue. I headed back home and began resuming my routine slowly. I also decided to get back to work, although I still had to fully recover. I almost looked like I did before with some lingering facial droop. I had difficulty walking, but I could manage it. I could not run, nor could I balance on one foot, but luckily, I was not getting on an Olympic team anytime soon! My cooking took longer, and my speech and communication were unclear. You know, I was always adaptive and quick, with the ability to juggle multiple tasks easily. This new normal did not sit well with me, not one bit!

It is said that when the left brain is affected, speech and communication skills can be impaired along with visual-spatial and reasoning abilities. The left brain is the center for language, logical thinking, numerical skills, and motor control. True to that, whenever I tried to sing to myself, I was out of tune and could not remember most of the lyrics. My voice had become feeble, and the tonal quality had declined. Additionally, I could barely play on the veena; I could not even accomplish what I had managed to do a couple of weeks ago. As an established musician and instructor of vocal and veena forms of music, this was extremely upsetting. I needed help to cut vegetables and grate coconuts. I needed help to accomplish any given simple task.

When I started work again, I hired a driver to drive me to the office and back, as I could not drive by myself. Working efficiency was also not adequate, so I tried organizing my thoughts and modifying my working style. Some of the things I reworked on were making notes on a computer app, as I could not jot down what I did every day in a diary. My “things to do” and grocery list were now on my mobile phone as opposed to a writing pad. I embraced technology to manage my work and personal life more effectively, but found it difficult to keep up with my musical activities, which I eventually had to set aside. But in the meantime, I started taking occupational therapy sessions every day, and gradually, I started to see a steady improvement.

In early 2020, when the first wave of COVID started to grow rampant, the four of us had managed to escape from its wrath. In February, we decided to seclude ourselves and moved to live in our farmhouse that was on the outskirts of our city.

My college was also operating in a fully online mode. This gave me more time to refine my skills. My mobility was progressing well. I was feeling a lot more confident, and my speaking ability also showed quite an improvement. 

One strange observation is that only the memories I recalled in the days immediately after the stroke have stayed with me; it appears that the people, incidents, or events I didn’t think about during that time have been permanently forgotten. I say this because I had a few bad experiences. For example, when one of my relatives tried to speak to me at a social gathering, I just could not recognize her. I still don’t know who she is! 

In the meantime, my confidence in the neurosurgeon treating me deepened, and as my condition steadily improved, I felt reassured by his approach. He had invited me to inaugurate an ICU unit for stroke patients where I addressed a small gathering speaking of my improvements. However, my sister had continually insisted that I meet a senior neurologist for a second opinion. After procrastinating for some time, I heeded to my sister’s incessant persistence, and finally I met the senior neurosurgeon quite casually - without carrying any of my reports!!  Of course since that was a pointless exercise, I had to make an appointment to visit again, this time with all the paperwork. The reason for my seemingly unconcerned behavior was that I could comfortably manage remote work, drive on my own, get around on my two-wheeler, and take care of household chores without much difficulty.

Just in time for my second appointment with the senior neurologist, COVID restrictions were enforced with a government imposed lockdown. I had to postpone my appointment again! 

It was 7 pm on 20th April 2020. I was preparing dinner in my kitchen. I experienced an excruciating headache - it felt as though my head was shattered to pieces.

I paid a price for my delay in taking action.